The Struggle with Vigilance and Control: A Path to Security for Men
For many men, there’s an underlying tension between the need to be perfect, protect, or provide, and the reality of feeling like they’re constantly on edge, trying to maintain control. This pattern, rooted in a deep desire to ensure everything goes smoothly, can often feel like a never-ending cycle of vigilance. But here’s the truth: this drive to control everything is often a reflection of inner insecurity, not strength.
For men who struggle with vigilance and control, it can feel like you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. You might feel responsible for every outcome whether it’s in your career, relationships, or personal life; and the fear of things slipping out of your grasp is always in the background. But this level of control isn’t sustainable, and more importantly, it’s not where your sense of safety should come from.
Why Vigilance and Control Feel Necessary
Vigilance, being constantly alert to potential threats, risks, and problems can feel protective. It’s often learned behavior from past experiences where things were unpredictable or unsafe. The desire for control may stem from a sense that without it, chaos or harm will ensue. It’s a response to vulnerability, a way to guard against disappointment, rejection, or failure.
However, when these patterns dominate, they can lead to stress, burnout, and disconnect. In relationships, it can feel like a constant tension, even if the intention behind the vigilance is love or care. Over time, it can erode trust and create emotional distance.
The Power of Security: For Yourself and Others
What if, instead of continuing to hold onto that need for control, you could give yourself the permission to feel secure without needing to manage everything around you? The truth is, true security doesn’t come from managing every variable, it comes from knowing that, even when things aren’t perfect, you are enough.
By recognizing that you deserve to feel safe and at ease, no matter what’s happening around you, you can begin to soften the grip on the need to control. This isn’t about letting go of responsibility or commitment; it’s about realizing that your worth and the stability of your life aren’t tied to being the one who has to fix everything.
Building that Sense of Security
Self-Awareness: Start by acknowledging when you’re tightening your grip on control. What situations trigger your need to be vigilant? What are you afraid might happen if you let go, even for a moment?
Healthy Boundaries: Let yourself separate your personal worth from external outcomes. You can care deeply without having to steer every decision. Trust others and trust the process.
Vulnerability: Opening up about your fears or anxieties doesn’t make you weak. It invites connection, which is a powerful source of security. Let others in, and allow yourself to receive support.
Trust Yourself: You’ve already navigated so much in life. You don’t need to control every moment to prove you’re capable. Trust that you have the resilience and adaptability to face whatever comes next, even without anticipating every step.
Self-Compassion: This journey isn’t about perfection. It’s about progress and patience. Be kind to yourself as you learn to balance vigilance with a deeper, more sustainable sense of inner security.
It’s okay to let go a little, to give yourself the grace of security that doesn’t hinge on control. When you create space for this sense of safety, you’ll notice that the world around you feels less threatening, relationships deepen, and a new calmness starts to take root inside of you.
You are worthy of peace, not because you’ve made everything perfect, but simply because you’re human. And that’s enough.