The Burden Wound

Carrying the “burden wound” into relationships makes it difficult to connect and often results in an avoidance of vulnerability and intimacy. The feeling of being a burden can be understood as a belief that one is unworthy of love or support and a worry that they are a bother to others. The combination of negative beliefs about oneself and fears that lead to isolation can result in anxiety, depression, self-destructive behaviors, and relationship issues. In this article, we will look at where the burden wound comes from, how it shows up in our lives, and how to overcome it. 

Beginnings of The Burden Wound

The concept of self, or beliefs about oneself, is shaped throughout one's lifespan and influenced by a combination of different factors. Parents, caregivers, and family heavily influence the self-concept in early childhood. Our early relationship experiences shape what is known as our core beliefs. These core beliefs are the lens through which we understand how the world and relationships work and who we are in the world and relationships.

When a child grows up with caregivers who are emotionally unavailable, dismissive or become overwhelmed by emotions, they internalize a negative belief about themselves. 

“I am too much, my emotions and needs overwhelm people.”

“Nobody cares about me, I am not worthy of love.”

“I am too difficult to love.”

“I can never get it right, I am not good enough.”

Negative beliefs may continue to be exacerbated by social influences. As we move into adolescence, it is important to fit in with our peers and be accepted by them. As young men, we experience social pressure to be masculine; A standard defined by physical strength and capability, emotional resilience, sexual prowess, and independence. All of these influences send a message of:

“I am weak if I display any sense of vulnerability.”

“I am incapable if I can’t keep up.”

As these core beliefs carry on into adulthood, life circumstances and relationships may surface these negative thoughts about ourselves. In relationships, others’ responses to us may bring up these core wounds which may necessitate relational repair and communication skill building. However, these wounds may be triggered in our interpretation of others' views of us, especially if we receive them through the distorted lens of the burden wound. Lastly, life circumstances such as a divorce, break up, job loss, finances, illnesses, or aging can all impact how we view ourselves. Navigating relational experiences and life circumstances can make living with a burden wound feel like an exhausting and hopeless existence. 

Living With The Burden Wound

This outcome of exhaustion and hopelessness from living with the burden wound comes from how it arises in our day-to-day living. The burden wound takes a toll on our mental, emotional, and physical health as well as the health of our relationships. Here are a few ways the burden wound shows up in our lives:

The Harsh Inner Critic uses negative self-talk to compare oneself to others or put oneself down.

Depression is the result of the harsh inner critic. It is the manifestation of low self-esteem and beliefs of unworthiness. 

Perfectionism is a compensatory effort to reduce feelings of inadequacy associated with shame and being a burden.

Relationships suffer due to the avoidance of vulnerability required for intimacy and conflict resolution. 

Hyper-independence results from not trusting we will be well-received by others. It feels safer to withdraw and become self-reliant as trusting and opening up to others feels too overwhelming.

Anxiety is the result of an intrusive fear and worry that one will be abandoned, rejected, or judged socially or relationally. 

Overcoming the Burden Wound

Despite feeling hopeless, there are ways to overcome the burden wound and cope with the many ways it shows up in our lives. The work to overcome the burden wound is both personal and relational. Here is a look at some of the ways we can support the growth process:

Reparenting is the process of offering yourself the relational needs you may have missed out on as a child. Create space and time for self-reflection, attunement, curiosity, self-validation, and self-compassion.

Feel and Express your emotions as you begin to understand them. Utilize modalities where you can process your feelings through movement, vocalization, and other organic expressions of emotions.

Communicate with others as you deepen the relationship with your emotions and begin to feel more secure. Sharing vulnerably in safe spaces can create corrective experiences that build trust in others and confidence in yourself. 

Boundaries will help you feel safe as you navigate which relationships are safe and healthy and which are threatening or unhealthy.

Discern your role in overcoming the burden versus the role of others in your relationship dynamics. Not everyone is safe, nor are they a threat, so we must look at how we perpetuate the burden wound in how we show up versus how people treat us.

As mentioned above, this work is personal and relational and the combination of the two is a recipe for building confidence and trust. We need to offer ourselves the things we missed in early lived experiences and remain open to taking in relational nutrients. You may feel like you received a lot of good from your childhood and, while that may be true, certain experiences vital to your self-development may have been missing. Taking an honest look at what was missing and feeling the pain, anger, and sadness for those things does not have to damage your view of your caregivers or your relationship with them. It is, however, an opportunity to integrate the parts of you that feel like a burden and create the potential for new relationships, past, present, and future.