The Importance of Co-Regulation
Learning to co-regulate in a relationship is equally important as learning to self-regulate. Our ability to self-regulate serves as the foundation for co-regulation and sends a message to our loved ones that we are a safe and secure place for them to be vulnerable and soothed in times of need. This article will define co-regulation, explore ways to create a safe and secure environment for our loved ones to regulate, and discuss why co-regulation is important for us men.
What is Co-regulation?
Our earliest experiences of co-regulation were in childhood when our caregivers responded to us in times of need. As babies, our cries signaled to our caregivers that we were either hungry, in pain, or required affection. When these cries were responded to appropriately and consistently, the foundation was laid for emotional regulation and security.
In the more formative years of childhood development, a caregiver's ability to be present, emotionally attuned, and regulated during times of distress supports an internal working model of self-regulation. In other words, a caregiver's ability to calmly name and validate a child’s emotions helps develop their emotional lexicon and ability to manage emotions independently. However, this ideal isn’t always the case, and our ability to self-regulate becomes underdeveloped, hindering our ability to co-regulate as adults.
Co-regulating in adult relationships happens when one person shows up as safe, secure, and regulated so the other can navigate their emotional experience and regulate. When we are regulated the other person's felt experience of us is non-threatening ie: the “vibe” we are putting out there. We not only experience co-regulation during distressing times and life challenges, it happens when we have shared experiences of joy and excitement that serve as a resource and a foundation for strength and resilience.
Creating a Co-regulating Environment
If we desire to create a co-regulating environment we must first develop the capacity to self-regulate (take a look back at a previous article on how to self-regulate for more support). Being able to self-regulate means we can be fully present to offer support using the formula of “safe, seen, and soothed”.
When someone feels emotionally, physically, and spiritually safe they will be more trusting and vulnerable, allowing themselves to process their feelings and thoughts thoroughly. Vulnerable sharing is where we can understand the other person, helping them feel seen and validated. With more trust and validation the other person will be more likely to reach for closeness, where we can soothe them with touch ie: a hug, a kiss, handholding, or a back rub. When we offer safety, help the person feel seen, and soothe them with touch the other person has a regulating experience and the two of you have a bonding experience bringing you closer.
Co-regulating as Men
As men, most of us struggle with being vulnerable ourselves and holding the vulnerability of others. If we intellectualize our emotional experience or become overwhelmed by it, we will have difficulty holding space for someone else's emotional experience. When this happens we fall into the trap of becoming dismissive or trying to “fix the problem” for the other person, all of which leaves them feeling invalidated. Leaving the other person to feel invalidated sends the message that we are not safe or secure, disconnecting us from the other person.
Lastly, because most of us men struggle to be vulnerable we lose the opportunity to experience co-regulation from others. We “put up walls” and suppress our emotions because we don’t want to appear weak or burden others. When we do this, we tend to hold beliefs that others are not safe or secure or that we are “weak”. Moving through the anxiety of vulnerability requires courage, which is needed to open up to co-regulating experiences. Letting someone is not only co-regulating it results in more self-confidence, security in our relationships, and healed wounds of past relationships.