Ending Negative Cycles of Conflict in Relationships Part 1: Looking Within
In a previous article on our relationship with anger, we discussed the importance of creating a new relationship with the emotion that often contributes to conflict dynamics. A relationship that offers understanding through presence and curiosity to promote personal growth and relational closeness. This article brought up questions and a deeper look into how anger impacts our relationships, keeps us stuck in negative cycles of conflict, and how to end those cycles.
No relationship is immune to conflict, so it is helpful to learn how to deal with conflict well and end patterns of negative cycles. It is common for relationships to have repeated conflict over the same thing while experiencing the same patterns of how the conflict is dealt with. Overcoming these patterns demands us to take accountability and look at our role in the negative cycle. (Part 2 will focus on changing the relationship environment)
Ending the Negative Cycle Within
Ending the negative cycles will begin with looking at attachment behavioral systems or attachment style, our triggers, protective responses, and the vulnerable emotions and meanings happening below the surface. Furthermore, look into the active role we must take in our healing to create sustainable change.
Attachment Development
Understanding attachment behavioral systems lends insight into how we relate to others, more specifically when we feel threatened. It can be helpful to look back at how your attachment style was developed by your caregivers' responses to your emotional needs growing up.
Children whose emotional needs were neglected, and had emotionally intrusive or highly anxious caregivers learn to disconnect from their own emotional needs and develop an avoidant attachment. They often grew up in households where anger wasn’t managed well, and learned to disconnect from or fear anger as an emotion because it is associated with angry behavior.
Those with an anxious attachment likely experienced emotional invalidation or inconsistent validation and had caregivers who were too busy or had a limited capacity for emotions that resulted in feelings of “rejection” or “abandonment”. The anxiously attached individual learned to get “big” and expressive to feel seen, validated, and valued, and can develop into a “fawning people pleaser”.
The child who grows up with a disorganized attachment is torn between the biological need for soothing and safety and a deep mistrust and fear of their caregivers. They are often children of parents with unresolved trauma and grief that resulted in extreme neglect or abuse. A fear of abandonment and rejection results in a disorganized attachment style of a “push and pull” between wanting closeness and feeling overwhelmed by emotional proximity.
Breaking Down a Trigger
Breaking down a trigger will help connect the dots between the triggering event, our attachment behavioral system, our protective responses and emotions, and our vulnerable feelings and needs. Take a look back for a brief explanation of how a practice of openness, objectivity, and observation supports this process.
A trigger is any stimulus, or threat, that elicits a reaction as if we are re-experiencing a painful memory. When we experience a trigger it can be easier to be aware of our protective feelings and responses. However, these protective feelings and responses are the ones that create distance and disconnection:
Protective Feeling of Anger
Frustrated, Annoyed, Infuriated, Enraged, Critical, Irritated, Hostile,
Indignant, Resentful, Mad, Furious, Irate, Raging
Protective Responses
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Protesting
Shame
Blame
Criticize/Judge
Controlling
People Pleasing
Focus on Negative
Make Empty Threats
Acuse
Aggressive
Repeating Self
Overly focused on the other person
Doesn't want to end or pause the conversation
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Defensiveness
Stonewall
Shutting Down
Emotional Distancing
Appease
Denying own feelings/needs
Deflecting
Fixing
Logic/Reasoning
Litigating
Avoid Topics
Over values independence
Passive Aggressive/Humor
These protective feelings and responses are designed to do as they suggest. They protect us when we feel a threat to our emotional safety, trust, and view of self inside the relationship. However, when elicited, they lead to self-isolating or inadvertently pushing others away.
Changing these habits can be challenging as it requires courage to get in touch with parts of ourselves that we have disconnected from. It challenges us to identify and feel vulnerable emotions and needs that promote human connection, compassion, and cooperation.
Vulnerable Feelings
Fear, Terrified, Anxious, Overwhelmed, Confused, Insecure
Sadness, Empty, Demoralized, Powerless, Heartbroken, Unseen, Misunderstood, Lonely, Undervalued, Grief
Ashamed, Inadequate, Embarrassed, Rejected, Stupid, Devalued
It isn't enough to identify and face these vulnerable feelings we must also examine the “why”, asking why we feel these emotions and what meaning we give to the conflict ie: “I’m not loveable, and I will be abandoned”. Uncovering the meaning we make of the conflict uncovers an unmet vulnerable need. A vulnerable need that we take an active role in getting met through vulnerable and assertive communication and more importantly through deep internal healing.
Vulnerable Needs
To know I am valued in the relationship.
To know my bids for connection will be responded to.
To know you will reach with vulnerability.
To know that my needs are important to you.
To know you are open to understanding me.
To know my feelings are valid. (different than perspective)
To know that you respect me.
To know you love and trust me and I can love and trust you.
Our Role in Healing
We will subconsciously act out our unresolved attachment wounds from childhood in our relationships, so we must take accountability and an active role in our healing journey. When we place expectations on others to repair our “mother” or “father” wound it damages our relationships. Due to the nature of where these wounds stem from we can take an active role in our healing by “reparenting” our protective parts and vulnerable parts. “Reparenting” looks like attuning to our emotional experience and offering self-compassion, self-validation, self-encouragement, affirmations, and tending to our physical, emotional, and spiritual needs.
Lastly, we must grow our capacity and make space to grieve the past. Processing the feelings held in the body and reprocessing the memories that drive our attachment behavioral system is key to sustainable change.
Next week's focus will be on changing the relationship environment.