A new relationship with anger
The emotion of anger and its many secondary onsets often get labeled as “bad” or “negative”. This makes sense when we live in a world that has an unhealthy relationship with anger, which manifests in aggression and violence. What if we established a new relationship with anger, a relationship that offered more presence and curiosity? More possibility?
Why do we experience anger?
Anger is a primitive survival drive that arises to protect. As we have evolved there is less of a need to protect from the threat of lions, tigers, and bears, a response we call “fight”. Don’t get me wrong, this is still a necessary survival mechanism that keeps people safe in various situations.
However, today anger can also be experienced as an emotion, which is here to inform us…to help us correct a wrong. It serves to help us heal unprocessed wounds from the past and repair relational ruptures in the present.
Anger as a catalyst for growth?
Due to the primitive nature of anger, we often express it from a reactive state of fight or flight. Some examples of reactivity are angry outbursts, shaming and blaming, verbal aggression, physical aggression, or passive-aggressiveness.
If we can slow down and become mindful of how anger shows up internally, it can be our catalyst for personal and relational growth. We must become aware of how our beliefs color our anger, how it feels in our bodies, and how it impacts our thoughts and behaviors. Drawing on this awareness can provide transformative healing and empower us to respond to situations from a place of trust and safety.
Dr. Dan Siegel of the Mindsight Institute suggests using an approach of openness, objectivity, and observation to bring the lens through which we view things into focus. From a place of openness, we can let go of expectations and not react to situations as if they are reoccurrences of prior painful experiences. Objectivity allows us to zoom out and see things as a fabrication of the mind, as a way not to get lost in the story we are telling. Lastly, observation allows us to stay present to how anger is moving through us internally while also allowing us to remain present with what is happening relationally.
Experiencing anger in relationships
It’s easy to get trapped in dichotomous thinking and see things as black and white, which impedes our ability to hold multiple truths and leads to mistrust, suspicion, and conflict.
Taking on a dialectical way of thinking that gathers all the information before assigning value or meaning to the situation encourages us to simultaneously be curious about our internal experiences and the experiences of others. When we can explore and hold multiple truths, we can create an environment of trust, safety, and repair.
Healthy anger in relationships looks like being able to express emotions and differences vulnerably and securely. It is where you assert yourself and set and maintain healthy boundaries. A place where you move from “people pleaser” to being able to say “no” without fear of conflict or losing the relationship. Lastly, healthy anger looks like being able to contain our anger and disappointment from another person without becoming overwhelmed or hurtful.
The gift of understanding
Changing how we relate to our anger, and the anger of others, defines whether it becomes a force of destruction or transformation. It makes the difference between understanding and misunderstanding. Can we create space for more understanding, whether the need is to understand ourselves further or to be curious about someone else in the face of anger?
Reflecting on anger
What situations make you feel angry?
What does anger feel like in your body?
What thoughts do you have when you're angry?
What beliefs about yourself or another do you hold when angry?
Your anger is valid, however, is the story you are telling yourself true?