Overcoming Attachment Defenses and Conflict in Relationships
Our relationships often experience patterns and cycles; the ebbs of conflict and the flows of cooperation, care, comfort, and connection.
At times the cycles of conflict revolve around a recurring theme. Why?
Simply put, it results from our attachment defenses standing in the way of needs getting met (ie: Attachment style dynamics).
What are some of my attachment defenses?
Reactivity: yelling, name-calling, arguing, annoyance…
Aggressive, Passive, or Passive aggressive communication.
Criticism
Shaming
Blaming
Dismissing
Defensiveness
Invalidating
Deflection
Projection
What are my needs?
To know I am valued in the relationship.
To know my bids for connection will be responded to.
To know you will reach with vulnerability.
To know that my needs are important to you.
To know you are open to understanding me.
To know my feelings are valid. (different than perspective)
To know that you respect me.
To know you love and trust me and I can love and trust you.
It can be empowering to become aware of your and your partner’s attachment styles and how they push back on one another.
However, the key to earning internal and relational security is through vulnerability.
First, become vulnerable with yourself by attuning to and building a relationship with your feelings and needs. Furthermore, develop a practice of validating your feelings.
What are some of my vulnerable feelings?
Fear
Sadness
Shame
Grief
Loneliness
Now that you have developed more awareness of your feelings, can validate them, and understand the needs that drive them; now what do you do with them relationally?
Self-Regulate
Take a beat: Pause if you find the conversation is moving toward blame, shame, and criticism. Set a timeframe to come back to the conversation.
Take a risk and be VULNERABLE!
Share the vulnerable emotion.
Share the vulnerable need.
Yes, you are only one half of the equation and it requires cooperation on both sides to show up securely. However, when one of us can show up securely it creates space for the other to show up differently.
Remember, progress not perfection.